Revising to be More Specific

What I fixed:

I read chapter 8 from They Say, I Say and it was about connecting the parts. There were areas in my paper when I wasnt precise enough and I read that I needed to connect the part by being more specific. I had vagueness in my writing when I was trying to describe a subject, so I explained what I needed to a little bit more to make my point.

Before:

       Art and science must be a balance of critically and empathetic thinking, but I feel like the balance should not be equal. Art is very important in order for wise and balanced judgement, but if there is too much art, the critical thinking aspect of the sciences could be lost. In my career at UNE, and in my post-graduate plans, I hope to become a well-trained physical therapist. This career, at a first glance, is very unilaterally scientific. However, physical therapists need to be able to communicate effectively with their patients, who may be in pain or struggling to cope with an injury. To do this, they need to have heightened empathy in order to help their patients feel heard. Because of this, I believe that while I’m going to need a lot of science to achieve my academic goals, losing arts along the way would be detrimental.

After:

        Art and science must be a balance of critically and empathetic thinking, but I feel like the balance should not be the same because to much art can skew the final result. Art is very important in order for wise and balanced judgement, but if there is too much art, the critical thinking aspect of the sciences might not be explicitly conveyed. In my career at UNE, and in my post-graduate plans, I hope to become a well-trained physical therapist. This career, at a first glance, is very unilaterally scientific. However, physical therapists need to be able to communicate effectively with their patients, who may be in pain or struggling to cope with an injury. To do this, they need to have heightened empathy in order to help their patients feel heard. Because of this, I believe that while I’m going to need a lot of science to achieve my academic goals, losing art along the way would be detrimental.