Original paragraph:
I do understand the EA’s ultimate goal of ending all suffering and that should be a worldwide belief. The impact art has on the world is endless. Just 45 minutes of music buffered my disliking of running and one piece of art changed my mindset of a class. The use of the 100,000 dollars is more impactful being used for art supplies because it not only changes the community, but is also changes how the world looks at them. People might want to travel to the painted community to see the art which can increase revenue in the area. Art is one of the reasons the world has developed the way it has and it has also contributed to tons of people not experiencing a lot of suffering. Art is not a waste of time because it is not only responsible for entertainment and beauty but the joy that comes along with it. I see art as a buffer of suffrage; art will fend it off until you aren’t suffering anymore. I agree that it would be very important to try and contribute to the end of suffering but can we fully end it?
I wanted to change up what I was saying in my thesis. So I ended up changing up what it said to give it a variation and make it look like I just didn’t copy and paste it. I also ended up fixing minor grammatical errors.
Edited:
I do understand the EA’s ultimate goal of ending all suffering and that should be a worldwide belief. The impact art has on the world is endless. Just 45 minutes of music buffered my disliking of running and one piece of art changed my mindset of a class. The use of the 100,000 dollars is more impactful being used for art supplies because it not only changes the community, but is also changes how the world looks at them. People might want to travel to the painted community to see the art which can increase revenue in the area. Art is one of the reasons the world has developed the way it has and it has also contributed to tons of people not experiencing a lot of suffering. Art is what makes the world thrive and grow. It gives the world variation and helps people express themselves. It helps people cope with there suffering and find happiness. I see art as a buffer of suffrage; art will fend it off until you aren’t suffering anymore. I agree that it would be very important to try and contribute to the end of suffering but can we fully end it?
2nd Paragraph:
Art is the joy in modern society and is expressed in so many different ways. Without it, where would we be today? How would we be any different than anyone else? Art is what shapes our identities — through the joys of music, the books we read, the movies we watch, the paintings we relate to. Without it, individuality is thrown out the window and no one can express who they really are, so why try to filter it or deny it all together? Rhy Southan’s essay, “Is it OK to make art?,” highlights the beliefs of Effective Altruism. Effective Altruists believe that art is not worth the time and money and think people should donate to help end suffering. The EA’s were very extreme and would say, “The thing you most enjoy isn’t the most moral thing to do.” They just think that their goal is the most important thing and everything else is a waste of time unless it benefits their cause. However, the TED talk “How Painting Can Transform Communities” by Dre Urhahn and Jeroen Koolhaas demonstrates how you can change the world by the expression of art through painting buildings and by giving light to communities know for poverty and crime. Art is not a waste of time because it is not only responsible for entertainment and beauty but the joy that comes along with it.
I had a confusing question in the hook so i took it out and it helped my hook be more intriguing and also helped the “art is expressed in so many different way” be answered because you can see it in the next 2 lines. I also added in a different quote to show how extreme they were and kinda set a different scene for the essay. I made small grammatical errors as well.
Edited:
Art is the joy in modern society and is expressed in many different ways. Without it, where would we be today? Art is what shapes our identities — through the joys of music, books we read, movies we watch, paintings we relate to. Without it, individuality is thrown out the window and no one can express who they really are, so why try to filter it or deny it? In Rhy Southan’s essay, “Is it OK to make art?,” highlights the beliefs of Effective Altruism. Effective Altruists believe that art is not worth the time and money and think people should donate to help end suffering. The EA’s were very extreme and would say, “Artists, meanwhile, paint the beautiful landscape in front of them while the rest of the world burns.” They just think that their goal is the most important thing and everything else is a waste of time unless it benefits their cause. However, the TED talk “How Painting Can Transform Communities” by Dre Urhahn and Jeroen Koolhaas demonstrates how you can change the world by the expression of art through painting buildings and by giving light to communities know for poverty and crime. Art is not a waste of time because it is not only responsible for entertainment and beauty but the joy that comes along with it.
